Please note that the little folly here was written based not on the book, Pride and Prejudice, but on the 2005 film version starring Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen. I know a lot of controversy has surrounded this film – some people abhor it, others love it – so I will just say that I fall into the ‘love it’ camp. I also love the 1995 version, and a few other besides; each for what it is. So this little parody below was done with affection and with tongue firmly in cheek! Enjoy.
Lizzy: Look how miserable he is!
Darcy: What a tolerable young woman!
Lizzy: Do you dance, Mr Darcy?
Darcy: Not if I can help it.
Lizzy: Excuse me. Where is my sister?
Darcy: Upstairs, Miss Muddy Feet.
Caroline: How gauche!
Darcy: Nice eyes, though.
Lizzy: An accomplished woman is a fearsome thing.
Darcy: (How would you feel about an accomplished man? [snicker])
Kitty: How about a ball, Bingley?
Collins: She loves me, she loves me not…
Lizzy: Where’s Wickham?
Collins: Mmm, Elizabeth. Yum.
Lizzy: Ack !
Darcy: May I have the next dance?
Lizzy: You may. (What have I done? I hate you.)
Collins: Marry me and Eat at Rosings Diner nightly.
Lizzy: Ack ! Ack !
Charlotte: I’m getting married to the Collins dweeb.
Lizzy: Ack !
Charlotte: Is the pig loose?
Lizzy: Oh, so that’s Lady Catherine?!
Collins: Get over here and grovel, ladies.
Lizzy: Mr Darcy! What are you doing here?
Darcy: The witch is my Aunt.
Lady C: …and a great proficient.
Lizzy: You want me to play?
Darcy: I am not much of a schmoozer.
Lizzy: Ack. With a pickup line like that, you need to practice!
Collins: Did I just say ‘intercourse’?
Fitzwilliam: Darcy’s my hero. He just saved Bingley from some bimbo.
Darcy: I love you… ardently. Marry me!
Darcy: What the hell does that mean?
Lizzy: Do the names Bingley and Bimbo Jane ring a bell? Or Wickham?
Darcy: That bastard again?
Lizzy: [staring in mirror] I’m confused.
Darcy: I’m misunderstood and misjudged. [Gets out paper and quill]
Mrs Gardiner: Wanna go to Derbyshire with us?
Lizzy: Yeah, I haven’t stood on a cliff in the wind for a while.
Mrs Gardiner: [on seeing Pemberley] WOW!
Lizzy: [on seeing Pemberley] Whoa!
Mr Gardiner: [on seeing Pemberley] Fish!
Lizzy: I thought you were in London.
Darcy: No, no I’m not. Did you have a… pleasant trip?
Lizzy: Yeah, I like to walk.
Darcy: Yes, yes I know.
Lizzy: Woe is me! Lydia has eloped!
Darcy: This is grave. Goodbye.
Mrs Bennet: Such palpitations!
Lizzy: They’ve been found! Hooray! They’re married.
Lydia: Do you know Mr Darcy was almost our best man?
Lizzy: Mr Darcy?
Lydia: Gosh, Lizzy, you’re such a nag.
Kitty: Look! Mr Bingley and Doodad are coming!
Mrs Bennet: Act naturally. Don’t scare them away!
Bingley: I’m a silly ass, but marry me.
Jane: Well, if you put it that way…
Lady C: You will NOT get your clutches in my nephew.
Lizzy: Back off, witch.
Bennet family: What’s up with Lizzy?
Lizzy: I couldn’t sleep.
Darcy: Nor I. My aunt…
Lizzy: No. My sisters…
Darcy: If you still hate me, say so.
Lizzy: [silence; come hither smirk]
Darcy: [coming hither] I love… I love… I love you.
Lizzy: Me too, Doodad, even if you do stutter.
Mr Bennet: I thought you hated him!?
Lizzy: No, he’s alright for the artsy-fartsy type.
Mr Bennet: Well, if you’re sure. Has he any friends for Mary and Kitty?
Darcy: My dear. No, that’s not right. My pearl. No, not that either. My Goddess… No. Mrs Darcy?
Lizzy: Shut up and kiss me already.