Pride and Prejudice – The Condensed Version

Please note that the little folly here was written based not on the book, Pride and Prejudice, but on the 2005 film version starring Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen. I know a lot of controversy has surrounded this film – some people abhor it, others love it – so I will just say that I fall into the ‘love it’ camp. I also love the 1995 version, and a few other besides; each for what it is. So this little parody below was done with affection and with tongue firmly in cheek! Enjoy.

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Lizzy: Look how miserable he is!
Darcy: What a tolerable young woman!
Lizzy: Do you dance, Mr Darcy?
Darcy: Not if I can help it.
Lizzy: (Jerk!)
Darcy: [sigh]
Lizzy: Excuse me. Where is my sister?
Darcy: Upstairs, Miss Muddy Feet.
Caroline: How gauche!
Darcy: Nice eyes, though.
Lizzy: An accomplished woman is a fearsome thing.
Darcy: (How would you feel about an accomplished man? [snicker])
Kitty: How about a ball, Bingley?
Bingley: Capital!
Collins: She loves me, she loves me not…
Lizzy: Where’s Wickham?
Collins: Mmm, Elizabeth. Yum.
Lizzy: Ack !
Darcy: May I have the next dance?
Lizzy: You may. (What have I done? I hate you.)
Collins: Marry me and Eat at Rosings Diner nightly.
Lizzy: Ack ! Ack !
Charlotte: I’m getting married to the Collins dweeb.
Lizzy: Ack !
Charlotte: Is the pig loose?
Lizzy: Oh, so that’s Lady Catherine?!
Collins: Get over here and grovel, ladies.
Lizzy: Mr Darcy! What are you doing here?
Darcy: The witch is my Aunt.
Lady C: …and a great proficient.
Lizzy: You want me to play?
Darcy: I am not much of a schmoozer.
Lizzy: Ack. With a pickup line like that, you need to practice!
Collins: Did I just say ‘intercourse’?
Fitzwilliam: Darcy’s my hero. He just saved Bingley from some bimbo.
Darcy: I love you… ardently. Marry me!
Lizzy: Ack!
Darcy: What the hell does that mean?
Lizzy: Do the names Bingley and Bimbo Jane ring a bell? Or Wickham?
Darcy: That bastard again?
Lizzy: [staring in mirror] I’m confused.
Darcy: I’m misunderstood and misjudged. [Gets out paper and quill]
Mrs Gardiner: Wanna go to Derbyshire with us?
Lizzy: Yeah, I haven’t stood on a cliff in the wind for a while.
Mrs Gardiner: [on seeing Pemberley] WOW!
Lizzy: [on seeing Pemberley] Whoa!
Mr Gardiner: [on seeing Pemberley] Fish!
Lizzy: I thought you were in London.
Darcy: No, no I’m not. Did you have a… pleasant trip?
Lizzy: Yeah, I like to walk.
Darcy: Yes, yes I know.
Lizzy: Woe is me! Lydia has eloped!
Darcy: This is grave. Goodbye.
Lizzy: Waaaaaaaaahhhhh!
Mrs Bennet: Such palpitations!
Lizzy: They’ve been found! Hooray! They’re married.
Lydia: Do you know Mr Darcy was almost our best man?
Lizzy: Mr Darcy?
Lydia: Gosh, Lizzy, you’re such a nag.
Kitty: Look! Mr Bingley and Doodad are coming!
Mrs Bennet: Act naturally. Don’t scare them away!
Bingley: I’m a silly ass, but marry me.
Jane: Well, if you put it that way…
Lady C: You will NOT get your clutches in my nephew.
Lizzy: Back off, witch.
Bennet family: What’s up with Lizzy?
Lizzy: I couldn’t sleep.
Darcy: Nor I. My aunt…
Lizzy: No. My sisters…
Darcy: If you still hate me, say so.
Lizzy: [silence; come hither smirk]
Darcy: [coming hither] I love… I love… I love you.
Lizzy: Me too, Doodad, even if you do stutter.
Mr Bennet: I thought you hated him!?
Lizzy: No, he’s alright for the artsy-fartsy type.
Mr Bennet: Well, if you’re sure. Has he any friends for Mary and Kitty?
Darcy: My dear. No, that’s not right. My pearl. No, not that either. My Goddess… No. Mrs Darcy?
Lizzy: Shut up and kiss me already.